Things That Probably Never Happen Where You Work

I keep a mental list of things that happen at my job that would never happen at your job. Sometimes I include items from that list here for your enjoyment. Well, one of those things is happening right now.

I share an office with someone. He came into our office after I sat in here with the door closed for an hour and all he said was, "It stinks in here. (Pause) It smells like piss in here."

At your job you'd be offended right? Well not here. First, we check the chairs to make sure none of our clients sneaked in and left a present (this happens). Second, we check all the walls. Third, we ask everyone in the front office to remember if they saw anyone fishy doing anything fishy.

All these things are done because you never know where urine, and any other bodily fluids, will end up around here. I love it here.

Must Read

On this election day I will vote with this burned on my brain. And it will stay there, I hope forever.

Out and Proud

I just love anything gay, so this makes me very proud.
Lesbian dreams: The best kind!
Gay cowboy movie: A chocolate bar melted on my lap in the theater. True story.

While I disagree with the basic premise that Bert and Ernie are gay, I must say that I am awfully good at Doing the Pigeon. Yes, that's an actual thing.

You Are the Very Gay Bert and Ernie!

Two grown puppets living together, sleeping in the same room?They've even got coordinating striped shirts!

What Gay Childhood Icon Are You?

Help Me! I'm One of Them

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I married a geek. Cute, but a geek. Seriously, our office is decorated with unopened X-Men action figures. (Not dolls - ACTION FIGURES.) We have a life-size Spiderman standee, several Marvel-themed games and a stack of boxes filled with comic books, some in different languages. I find this quirky and adorable.

Anyway... My geek and I have spent the last couple of years rolling our eyes at the nerds who are obsessed with Lost. We didn't watch it from the beginning - I can honestly say I have never seen an episode of Lost or Survivor - so we don't understand the references and honestly couldn't care less.

It's important to understand that I am much more judgemental than my geek. I have looked at the Lost-ites with sadness. What is wrong with their lives that they feel the need to latch onto this show? Can they not use some of this energy to read a book? take up a hobby? learn some trade? Then I find out I have Lost-ites in the family. Even the Duchess, someone whose intelligence and sociability I greatly admire, is a Lost-ite.

So, I have been judging you all. How pathetic you are to be so obsessed with a tv show.

Then came Monday night and Heroes. I started with this show for 2 reasons: first, my geek has gotten me marginally interested in comic books (all right, it's more the off-chance that someone as hot as Hugh Jackman will appear in any super-hero representation); and second, it leads into my Sorkin-fix, Studio 60. But then it happened. I got hooked.

I have become one of them. I have been 3 days without any new information on the Heroes front and I actually miss it. I met a local celebrity yesterday and engaged him in conversation about Heroes. I am boring my co-workers with laborious expalanations and theories about the show. I am actually praying for the weekend to be over so I can see what will happen next.

How did this happen?! I used to read. I used to watch Monday Night Football. I was cool in high school - this is not me!

I have decided to embrace the geek in me. I will now fully immerse myself in the Heroes world. I'm thinking about ordering the graphic novel. Maybe I'll join a chat room. Wait, that may be going a bit too far. But I can tell you this: if you call my home between the hours of 8 and 10 on a Monday night, no one will answer. And when I call you back, you will be forced to listen to a scene-by-scene replay of what happened. Which you won't enjoy because as the local celebrity and I painstakingly discussed: we're in the character-building process, which is the biggest, longest and most important part of the story arc.

Bastards

Eris is emotional right now.

Click on the title.

Watch the video.

These guys are all a bunch of bastards, Bush is their ass-hat king and Rush Limbaugh is their jester.

I miss my Grandpa.

Drum Roll, Please

The GRE is done.

600 Verbal
600 Quanititative

Look for a post in 2 weeks with the written score.

Note: I am pretty sure I spelled "inuit" wrong in my essay. Damnit! I thought it was "enuit." So much for being politically correct - I know how to spell Eskimo!

Barak Saves Eris

Sometime in the year 2004 I made a bet. Now, those of you who know me well know that this is highly uncharacteristic. I once spent all my "gambling" money on a pair of shoes at the Neiman Marcus mall in Vegas. So, you must know how passionate I feel about the following story.

My brother and I have a special bond. While sharing very liberal opinions, we like to argue about the minor details on which we disagree. Once at a family dinner we got into a yelling fight over the Legacy Highway. He called me a "tree-hugging, tse-tse fly loving environmentalist" so I called him a Republican. My dad stopped us immediately and said, "We don't call each other names like that at the dinner table."

Anyway, sometime in the year 2004 we were discussing politics and how the Democrats could screw up any election. Both us were arguing the same point: Democrats are right, but dumb. He predicted that Hilary Rodham Clinton would be the Democratic nominee for President in 2008. I said, "We're not that dumb." We argued for a moment and then shook hands on a $100 bet: I say Hilary is not the nominee in 2008. He says she is.

- I am a HUGE Hilary fan. Oh, that I were to live in an alternate universe where she were recognized as a brilliant woman who worked to save her marriage... But no, I live in the universe where she is seen as an intrusive, over-bearing bitch who only stayed married because it was good political strategy. -

It pains me to say this, but I believe nominating Hilary would be a mistake of astronomical proportion. People just don't like her, and she cannot win. Not even the Democrats are this dumb.

My brother reminds me of this bet constantly - anytime some BS poll comes out or TIME or Newsweek does a cover story on her likely bid he calls me. I was pretty sure Warner of Virginia was going to run and save me - but then the chicken backs out. Now though, it looks like my favorite skinny nerd is going to be my knight in shining armor. Barak, you have my support. I like the idea of an Obama/Clinton ticket - the bet says nothing about a VP run.

Part IV

Ok, so I am making time this week to post this. It's just tooooo good to pass up. Two words at a time. Ready:

Word #4
magnanimity a quality of nobleness of mind, disdaining meanness or revenge.

Word #5
churlishness crude or surly behavior; behavior of a peasant.

Used in a sentence:
Having lived a life of magnanimity, my father was not familiar with the term "hock a lugey." Once explained, he was even more surprised to find that his charming wife had engaged in such an act of churlishness.

NOTE: Love you, Mom!

See you next week...

This week's schedule
Monday:
1. Work at real job
2. Drive from real job to shoe store
3. Work at shoe store
4. Home to bed

Tuesday:
1. Work at real job
2. Drive from real job to in-law's house
3. Attend temple in bid to win divine intervention in husband's job search and my attempt at the GRE on Saturday

Wednesday:
1. Breakfast with kids to get reacquainted
2. Work at real job
3. Drive from real job to shoe store
4. Work at (this is starting to feel familiar...) shoe store
5. Home to bed

Thursday:
1. Work at real job
2. Parent-Teacher Conference
3. Home to study for my attempt at the GRE on Saturday
- Skip out on meeting at 7:30 -
4. Start fast in bid to win divine intervention in my attempt at the GRE on Saturday
5. Bed

Friday:
1. Work at real job
2. Home to study
3. Bed, which almost assuredly result in NO SLEEP.

Saturday:
1. Attempt the GRE.
2. Receive score.
3. Pass out.

In between:
-Remember to talk to my kids
-Remember to talk to husband. What's his name again?
-Help friend get ready for adoption agency interviews
-Find something to eat - this is a chore because, as the Duchess has pointed out, I have been blessed to live off a no-wheat, no-dairy, no-red meat diet.
-Plan a lesson on chapters 50-53 in the Book of Isaiah. That should be simple.
-Pay bills

To Honor the Newbie

One week ago we celebrated my daughter's first birthday. It was pretty much family-only - pretty small, by comparison to other First Birthday parties I've seen. This post is not about the party, or the baby. It's about a guest.

My nephew (see "Breaking in the Newbie" by clicking on the title) has become interested in politics and we often have fun chats about what party he would join or for whom he would vote. At the birthday party he told me about an online quiz he took to determine his "true" party affiliation. Ready? Constitution

His being a member of the Constitution Party does not bother me too much. After all, he could be a Republican. What bothered me was one of the examples he gave for why that party is right for him. Here's how he put it:

Newbie: "Like, I don't believe that if a lady crosses the border from Mexico and she, like, has a baby that that baby should be a citizen."
Eris: "Why not?"
Newbie: "Because they, like, broke the law and shouldn't be a citizen just cause the girl got here in time."
Eris: "So we should punish a person who had nothing to do with the crime and send them to a country they don't know?"
Newbie: "Well..."
Eris: "And what about kids who have been here their whole lives. They only know America, but because of the decision their mother made how many years ago, they have to leave?"

And that's the way it went. I was pleasantly surprised to find this little quiz to accompany this story. So, take the quiz, and see if you "deserve" to be an American...

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 9 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

It depends on what your definition of "precocious" is

Ok, so I have sat back and watched the moral Republicans tap-dance around the fact that they have been hugging a pedophile and I'll admit it: I'm partisan enough that I have laughed out loud. It feels good to know that this party which has spent the better part of TWO decades calling me and everything I believe in value-less and basically evil can screw up this bad.

So now I sit back and smile as I watch people squirm with every last detail of the Mark Foley scandal. At first I felt some sympathy - having been a Democrat during the Monica Lewinsky thing, I remember what it's like to realize you backed the sleazy horse. But then I realized, "Hey, my guy was not a hypocrite. He was just horny." Think about it: President Clinton messed around with a young girl in the Oval Office - ewww. (For the record, I will never understand this. He's just not attractive.) The important distinctions here are that he was messing around with someone who was a. over 18, and then some; and 2. not a guy! It's also important to note that Foley was the CHAIR of the House Committee on Missing and Exploited Children. It's a Greek Tragedy and I love it!!!

Don't get me wrong, 2 guys is hot. Brokeback Mountain anyone? But for the party who has made gay-bashing an art, this is just too good. And for the people like me who have been staring, mouths agape at the blind faith the public seems to have in the Republicans, it's euphoric.

Here in Utah the GOP is still the end all when it comes to morals and just being good old plain folks. This is the party which holds the moral compass and tells us all where to go. And what to drink. And who to kiss. (But you can do whatever you want with your gun.)

So, I invite each of you to click on the title and take a listen to one of Utah's senior statesmen and how he sees the congressional page scandal.

**Oh, oh! Let's call it Page-Gate! It's about time those sanctimonious blowhards got their own damn Gate, besides, of course, the original one that led to an impeachment. But I digress.**

Listen to Chris Cannon basically blame the "precocious kids" who work their guts out as congressional pages. It's pretty nice footwork, how he defends Hastert in one breath, and blames the kids - also known in legal terms as "the victims" - in the next.

Let's just say if the rest of this mess hasn't left you feeling like you need 2 piping hot showers to get the sleaze off you, well Chris Cannon will.

Part III

Ok, it's time for another word. Now this word I have used in the past, but it was used as an example of a long, smarty-pants word in a conversation with my mother and I finally stumped her - but only for a second. So here you go...

Word #3
protuberance something, such as a bulge, knob, or swelling, that protrudes.

Used in a sentence: Is that protuberance a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

NOTE: Of course, he was just glad to see me - wink.