Smart People

I spent the last two days at a communication conference hosted by my department. It was my first conference. Ever.

I enjoyed it, listening to smart people using big words, most of them in an order that made it especially difficult to understand.

The reason I went was basically to brown nose. As I mentioned earlier, it was hosted by my department, and they needed volunteers to help with registration. I figured this would be a good way to get my name out there and I'd get a chance to attend the conference, too!

So, here are the highlights of the day:
1. I met a woman who has put into words my final goal: rhetorical leadership. This is the idea that communication scholars can take their research to government representatives, public entities, and anyone else who needs to communicate with the public and teach them how to effectively communicate with their various publics. Is this not awesome?!
2. I met a couple of professors from my new department. They seem nice, but they're no Duchess.
3. I met a couple of students who are entering their second year in the program. Got lots of advice and am feeling very frightened but marginally up to the challenge.
4. To the man who sat behind me at the 3:30 seminar: Please stop crinkling your paper repeatedly. It is very disturbing!! Oh, and taking your shoes off during the presentations may be super comfortable for you, but it's nauseating for those of us sitting around you. Were you raised in a barn?

I think that's all. Countdown to school: 10 days to orientation, 17 days to first day of class!

A Royal Welcome

Not to steal anyone's thunder, but just in case any of my internet family was wondering: The Duchess has a Little Lady. She's beautiful and all is well with the entire Royal Family.

Send internet love.

Meemee. Meemee mee mee meemee.

So I cut my hair again. It was a little too long after the last cut, so I called my "stylist" and had her cut it again. Really short. Like an inch long short.

I love it. It's so easy to do and it's really different.

Here's the problem: I have a very long neck and a long-ish face, so I need some width in my hair to balance me out. I have realized I look like Beaker from the Muppets with my hair this short. In a week, after it's grown in just enough, I'll be totally in love. Until then, I dare you to say I don't look just like this guy.

Bittersweet

Finished H.P. #7.
It took 36 hours.
It was perfect (including the epilogue).
Rowling is a genius.

I won't spoil anything if I tell Tomorrow and the Duchess that there are a few moments of naked Harry... aren't you just dying for the movie?

Check in when you finish - I'm ready to talk to someone about it!

Jackie and Dunlap

I stumbled across this while looking for Obama Girl on YouTube. Can you tell I'm working hard? Stick it out to the very end, there's a real gem.

These guys for president!

Should We Give Them a Symbol?

A couple of weeks ago the Numismatist asked me a question: "Why do you call the girls 'Little Mrs. and Littlest Mrs. Eris?'"

Being a lefty, communist, bra-burning, feminist, this had already been bugging me for a while, but it took my mother to fling me into action. Why was I assigning them gender roles so early in life? Why, when one of them has already displayed alternative lifestyle tendencies, am I assuming they will both be Mrs.? Also, I never check the Mrs. box when filling out a form - I always call myself Ms. - so where did the Mrs. come from?

So, in the future, you will know the gals as Little Ms. Eris and Littlest Ms. Eris. I think this will be a smooth transition to make, but I'm wondering if they should have symbols like Prince did when he changed his name...

victory

Confession: I have been cyber-stalking someone. Not in a charming way, like my interest in the Duchess's friend Tomorrow, but actively checking on someone who doesn't want me checking on them.

I am now claiming victory over this weakness. It has been quite a while since I cyber-stalked this person, and I can report that my habit of visiting the nausea-inducing website has been quashed.

Note to Nincompoop: Do whatever you want, from now on. Don't know, don't care.

It's the small victories that count in this one.

A Peek Into My Core

I feel that this pretty much explains my philosophy of life

Warning: There is a little language in here. But today, I actually agree with the language, too.

I'm Not Going to Explain This

Nincompoop.

Tagged

Screw the rules. No one left to tag, so here's my stuff.

1. When I was “little” people called me Winchell. I was fat (Numismatist, please don’t argue). I had a roll of fat around my neck that made me look like I swallowed a donut, so people called me Winchell. I kind of like it.
2. I have always dreamed of singing on Broadway. I still like to practice in my car.
3. I have had three babies with no medication during the birth. Lest you think I am some sort of granola woman who believes in an all-natural, organic birthing experience let me share this: I do not breast-feed (my breasts are strictly recreational), I watch movies through the entire labor (mostly SNL until the end when I need calm and beauty, then it’s Sense & Sensibility), and I love, love, love percocet after the birth – it’s the only reason I have babies!
4. I said the “F” word in a high school assembly. I still feel guilty about it.
5. I was a cheerleader in high school, and like the Duchess, am very proud of it. I acted like a goof, but I looked hot and it scored me Mr. Eris.
6. I do everything in patterns or even amounts. I cannot leave a list partially finished – it must be exactly half-finished or completely done. I eat M&Ms in even numbers by color order (red, yellow, green, blue, brown); if there is an odd number, I give the left-overs away. This is true of all my activities – it must be symmetrical, by height, by color, chronological, or in some sort of order that makes sense to me.
7. I actually like going to church, and I’ve liked it since I was 14. This is probably because in my family, the best way to rebel is to go to church and be a good girl, so that’s how I stuck it to my parents.
8. I bare no resemblance, whatsoever, to the family I see most. At family reunions or events in Utah, I look adopted and people can’t remember my name because they think I’m an in-law. But in California, I can be identified instantly be people who knew my family 40 years ago but have never met me. It’s rather odd.

Now, since the Duchess tagged me and the only other blogger I know – the PG Meemoo – I am changing the rules a bit. Anyone who reads this, including the Numismatist, Big Sis, Fry Sauce, etc., should comment back with at least three random facts.

I can’t wait to see where this goes…

Utah County - meh.

It's 11:53 pm. I just got home after leaving the house at 7:30 a.m. We had a big day.

First, we drove to Provo where we participated in an adopt a highway clean-up project for my favorite radio station. "We" means the whole family. Mr. Eris joined, pulling the wagon with Little and Littlest Mrs. Eris. Little Mr. Eris was also there, and he made quick friends with another Little Mr. They raced along the road to each piece of trash and talked non-stop about how awesome Pirates 3 was and how totally awesome Transformers is going to be. The girls were little troopers, and I found an old pair of men's underwear. Most importantly though, we helped the community - yay us!

After that three hour activity, we loaded back into the van and headed out for some real excitement: visiting the new IKEA. Words cannot describe this place. It's a zoo, but an organized zoo. We walked the whole store, ate at the very reasonably priced and quite tasty cafe and then the kicker - the Swedish food market. FYI, Mr. Eris spent two years in Sweden on a religiously affiliated, extended vacation, so he's in LOOOOOOOVE with the IKEA already. But now we find out they have all his favorite Swedish foods for an affordable price (unlike the snooty Scandinavian Store in Downtown SLC that charges $5 for a dang candy bar!). Mr. Eris is getting chocolate and cookies and yucky licorice treats for Father's Day. Oh, and bonus points to the IKEA for offering free diapers and wipes for parents who run out - I didn't need it, but it was nice to know it was there.

Next we decided to hit the other big draw in Utah County: Cabela's. Let me stop right here and confess that I do not enjoy shopping in stores of death. Stores with dead animals hanging on the walls and posed in "natural" scenes aren't exactly my forte. But Cabela's is supposed to be amazing, and we needed a Father's Day present for my F-I-L, who does enjoy the stores of death, so I went. Big Sister will no doubt have lots to say about this, but I really don't see the big deal. It's the same thing as Sportsman's Warehouse only with a bigger dead animal atrium in the middle. Seriously, I walked this whole store and at the end felt very unimpressed. Had the IKEA raised my expectations to unrealistic heights? Posbbily. Maybe if I had a stronger affection for camouflage?

Finally, we celebrated Father's Day with Mr. Eris's grandfather. This is an 84-year-old man on oxygen who could take any dang one of you in an arm wrestle. Seriously, he has hands like bear paws (and I should know having been up close and personal with several bear carcases earlier at Cabela's). It was a nice evening, and I came home with two handkerchiefs hand-tatted by Mr. Eris's grandmother. They will be nice keepsakes for the Little and Littlest Mrs. Eris.

So that was my day. I am so tired I can't stay awake, but my legs ache so much I can't sleep. What are ya gonna do?

At the Movies: How Tinseltown Scared the Poop Out of Little Mr. Eris

So, we went to the movies on Friday. We bought tickets a week in advance to make sure we had seats for the 8 o'clock showing of the new Pirates of the Caribbean. {The movie was alright, nowhere near the first but it had lots of action, some great moments, and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE any movie that has an Empire Strikes Back type of conclusion.}

Anywho.... during the climactic battle scene of the movie, where all the action and a lot of the plot tying up happens, lights start flashing. I look around, thinking someone was taking pictures.

Nope. Fire Alarm.

Little Mr. Eris grabs my hand and says, "We have to go." He then begins walking out, quickly. Keep in mind, this is a packed theater, and NO ONE is exiting the theater during the fire alarm.

The movie stopped.

We get out into the hall and several super-helpful employees who are waiting to clean another theater ask what the problem is. I explain the fire alarm is going off and one looks at me and says, "Oh, it's probably just a false alarm."

Thanks. That helps. "Could you maybe check it out?"

The manager asks me what the problem is, and I explain. He makes it all better by telling me they are going to rewind the movie so we didn't miss anything.

Yeah, I don't think so. We got some rainchecks.

Little Mr. Eris then became ready to go back in and finish the movie. But he is now too scared to sit in the theater. He insists that we stand next to the emergency exit for the last 20 minutes of the movie.

Interestingly, no one ever came in to inform the crowd about the fire alarm. Something like 200 people sat through the fire alarm, never moving, I assume because they didn't want to lose their seat. Does this not seem like a danger to anyone else?

PS:
Google lists no horse therapy program or Big Bear anything in Farmington or Eden, which with time and distance will probably seem a lot funnier than it does right now (although the Numismatist is already finding humor). I'll fill you in sometime in July or August. Seriously, I need time.

And finally,
Warning: Geek Alert. How in the world could they have this list and not include Heath Ledger? He's naturally beautiful, an amazing actor, and he kissed Jake Gyllenhall. Ummmm, gay cowboys...

I'm Still Laughing

Ok, so I stumbled across this and felt compelled to share. I love to sing along to these when they're on the radio.

Favorite lines:
"My left arm feels tingly."
"You have a choice: fill your gas tank or relieve the national debt."
"Or is it stalagtites?"

Happenings and Goings On:

A lot’s been happening in the land of Eris lately that I feel is of note. Let’s see, how about I go chronologically…

1. Spent the weekend in Pocatello with Meemoo, Mr. Meemoo and the little Meemoos. A lovely time. I felt particularly comfortable in Pokey because, as I understand it, Pocatello is the armpit of Idaho and I live in Ogden, the armpit of Utah. Nice little town.

2. Meemoo gave me the best gift ever: a Neil Diamond concert program from his 1992 tour purchased at the D.I. Seriously? The only way it could be better is if it were the program from the 1986 tour (Nincompoop!).

3. Saw Spiderman 3. Um, it totally rocked. Cheesy? Yes. But so are the comic books and cartoons.

4. Getting pumped to head back to work at the shoe store. I have decided (rather, the University of Utah has) that full-time employment will be necessary during my first couple of semesters of school. That being said, a high-stress job rife with deadlines and angst is not the way to go. I am opting for a job I can do in my sleep: retail middle management. Plus, I’ll be surrounded by shoes, thus helping me achieve a zen-like peace at work. BONUS!

5. Little Mr. Eris played his first big-boy little league game on Monday. He was up to bat once: walk. Then he stole second. Then he stole third. Then he stole home. Woot!

6. I mowed my lawn yesterday. No, that is not a dirty metaphor. I used a lawnmower for the first time in my life last night and I rocked! Mr. Eris is feeling a little blue, as he is now basically superfluous. I mean, now that I can mow the lawn, what essential job function does he perform? Oh, yeah. Nevermind – HE STAYS. ~Notice how that became dirty at the end?~

7. I am rocking out to Cher as I type. Dark Lady is my new theme song.

8. Eris is going to be begging the City of Ogden (referenced above) to not throw the book at her. Doggy time-out is expensive, but the misdemeanor charges, that’s where they really getcha.

9. Send internet love to Hobbes. If Donovan McNabb can make his way back, so can you, buddy!

10. Red Sox: 1st in the AL East and topping the pinstripes by 6 games. Woot-woot!

Screw the Title

I was sitting at my desk, discussing something - I'm sure it was very important - with a co-worker. Two clients came walking in, and one started talking to my "roommate" while the other stood behind me.

YANK.

My hair was in a huge clump in "Sue's" hand. She said nothing, just kept pulling. It took two co-workers to convince her to let go of my hair.

I have injured my arm somehow while trying to keep her from literally pulling my hair out. It hurts to type. There is a shooting pain from my elbow to my wrist.

work is fun

On Betty Buckley and Bruised Egos

Last night I spent two hours hanging with my mom, the Numismatist. Stop laughing – she’s cool. Her best friend from high school was visiting, along with her daughter and granddaughter, and we all hung out. It was nice.

Numy (as she will now be known because I’m not going to type “numismatist” ever again!) and her friend spent the night reminiscing, while her daughter and I discussed the intricacies of wheat-free diets and B.U. It was lovely.

As I sat there I thought of how nice it is to sit with friends and talk about whatever comes up. Seriously, we went from the pros and cons of fry sauce, to a drunk woman groping me, to the fact that I had met my new friend once before but forgot about her because I was too focused on her hot Hawaiian brother, to a minute-by-minute run down of LDS wedding nights (nervous and slow to get started seems to be the trend).

It made me sad that these two women live far away – but happy that one of them is moving to Arizona. I look forward to seeing them again, and my new sour-tummy-buddy will definitely be a new email friend (and hopefully a frequent visitor to this site).

Other goings on include the email I got today that led to a phone call that notified me that I will not be funded for school this fall. Oh Maaaaaan. Now what? I’ll tell you. Eris will be taking the class “Teaching Comm in College” and will very likely be the only person in there who won’t actually be teaching in college. BUT I will be applying again in January and this class, as well as a stellar letter from the instructor, should help me land something. Right? And needless to say, there will be student loans. Damn.

PS - Bonus love to the first post that explains the title of this post~

Quiet, Please

No one say a word about what happened on Heroes last night. I won't know until Saturday when Mr. Eris and I can watch our taped (yes, taped - NOT tivoed) version.

He had better get a day job.

Speechless

Ummmm... does anyone know how much a plasma computer monitor costs? I think I ruined mine when I repeatedly kissed it and rubbed my cheek on it while watching this.

Duchess, just move along without comment.

Crap

So, my right eye hurts. It feels like I have a bruise - and yet, I do not have a bruise.

I think I might have pink eye.

Now where in the world do you think I could have caught that?

UPDATE:
So, upon further review, pink eye does not seem to be the culprit. You may ask how I reached this conclusion? Two reasons:
1. No yucky discharge. My eye is goop free.
2. I have not been peeing in the street.

I am now fairly convinced this eye problem is a result of wearing contacts meant to be used for one month for.... um... five months. Ooops.

It's a Girl!

Send out some internet love to baby Ava. She's big and beautiful!

Family is Forever

If that is true, I'm in for a long eternity...

Grounded.

Tonight I went downstairs to get something and noticed that the items from Mr. Eris's poker night - LAST THURSDAY - were still all over the family room.

Card table
Poker table top
Movies all over the floor
Food on the floor (which I discovered thanks to a well-organized trail of ants leading to and from the food)

You get the picture. He had friends over, with my blessing, and they trashed the joint.

Now, he has been working on the basement bathroom - Heaven love him. He keeps all three of our kids alive during the day. These are valid points, and I understand the guy is busy, but when I saw that mess I wanted to destroy him.

Maybe it's because I'm tired and cranky. It might be stress. It could be the fact that I spent three hours on Saturday cleaning our van because it looked like he had brutally murdered a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper in there {he now wears a hazmat suit and spreads a tarp whenever he's in the van}.

I love the guy, but I swear if he makes a mess like this again (the van or the family room) he will lose all priviledges: no phone, no video games, no tv, nothing.

Is it sad that the punishments I use for the kids work on the dad?

An RFP

Today at work I had a moment of panic. Without divulging too much, I can safely tell you that I had the chance to apply for some funding, but because I never received information on the application process and I didn’t HOUND someone about the process, I ended up doing a quickie application and throwing three people into a tailspin at noon today.

This sucks.

I hate that I inconvenienced others. I hate that I looked like a disorganized, flighty moron. I hate that I didn’t stalk the guy who had the information I needed (further evidence that I dislike the begging for money portion of my job). But most of all, I hate that now that I have made this completely correctible error, I cannot get rid of the knot in my stomach.

So my internets, I am issuing an RFP: submit a proposal detailing how you would teach Eris to be ok with her mistakes. Include a plan for long-term mistakes (i.e. the lie I told my friends in 6th grade, that I immediately confessed to them, but still feel guilty about!) as well as a plan for imaginary mistakes (I actually went to my bishop once because I was worried that I may have committed a sin years ago – it ended with him sort of laughing at me).

What I’m looking for is a strategy for not getting caught up in this kind of stuff. Why can’t I be more like Mr. Eris who called in sick for work yesterday so he could host his buddies for poker night? He had no guilt, whatsoever. I feel like I need to fast for forgiveness just because I didn’t stop him.

Submit immediately. I’d like to get a good nights sleep sometime soon.

A Love Note

Dear Person Who Stole My Credit Card Number:

I hope you enjoy the purchases you made from Bed, Bath & Beyond and Home Depot on my Target Visa. Hopefully, you purchased ice cube trays and a fan - it's going to be hot down there.

Sincerely,
Eris

Exactly How Old is Dirt, Anyway?

I had one of those violent-shove-into-reality experiences today. The scene: an off-site visit with two co-workers, each of whom is slightly (less than 8 years) younger than I. While off-site, I saw a t-shirt that read, “You might be older than dirt if…” and then proceeded to list several items, a few of which I will share with you now.
- You remember candy cigarettes
- You remember soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
- You remember S&H Green Stamps

Now, there were others on the list that I recognized, and probably half of the list meant nothing to me.

As I laughed and thought out loud about my fond memories of getting busted with candy cigarettes, buying glass bottles out of the JMM pop machine, and the books of Green Stamps my mom collected, my co-workers looked at me with a combination of sadness and pity.

They had NEVER seen a glass pop bottle?! They didn’t know about Green Stamps?!?! Imagine trying to explain Green Stamps to someone who is too young to remember wooden nickels or the Brady Bunch episode where the boys want to use the Green Stamps to buy a canoe and the girls want to buy a new oven, but they learn to compromise and buy a new t.v. It’s almost impossible!

So, here’s my theory: the generation gap lies somewhere between 1977 and 1979. Both of my co-workers were born in 1981 and they had no idea what I was talking about. As further evidence, I recall a friend born in 1980 who stared blankly when I told him about vinyl and record players and just last week I had someone ask me, “Airplane? Is that like a movie or something?”

Help me out, internet loves… Was it all really that long ago?

So That Happened

I'm walking down the hall at work.

A client you've met before comes up to me and stands right next to me.

She mutters, "You're gonna die."

nice.

My Weekend

Little Mr. Eris turned 9 over the weekend. He's getting so big - like a gross boy.
Anyway... last year we started a new tradition for his birthday: nordic sports. He likes to snowboard, which I completely disagree with because I have been a skier since I was 3. Snowboarding is the sissy way. But I had to let the kid board because the Newbie boards and Little Mr. Eris worships the Newbie. So my kid is now a knuckle-dragger - practically the missing link.

Aside from the fundamental disagreement over whether snowboarding is, in fact, a sport, we had a great day. It was warm, so it was kind of like skiing through a slurpie.

Fortunately, Little Mrs. Eris is still young enough that I can force her to ski.
I spent half the day skiing down the mountain backwards saying this: "Pizza slice. [pause] PIZZA SLICE. [pause] PIZZA SLICE!!" While I yelled this she put her skis together and parallel and skied as fast as she could straight down the mountain. The backwards skiing did give me a great calf workout. Love her!

PS - Welcome back Duchess!

The Geek G-Spot

Ok, Meemoo and Loki: Check this out

All the rest of you, you'll most likely want to just move along.

WARNING: STOP THE VIDEO BEFORE YOU GET TO THE CAT ME IF YOU CAN SONG. THAT'S NOT YOUR PURPOSE.

Welcome Back, Baby

Happy to report that Mabel is back from her 10-day doggy time-out. She is a bit more reserved than she used to be, but other than that she's great and the vet has given her a clean bill of health.

Now... if I could just convince Mr. Eris that she is no longer an "outside" dog!

Better than W.

Well, the final decision is in. I have been weighed and measured, and have been sent the following:

I am sorry to inform you that our admissions committee decided against offering you admission into our program.... This means that some applicants were not admitted because they were competing against others who had similar interests and offered an equally strong, if not stronger, fit with our department.
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya,
the University of Washington.

and...

Your academic background and interests appear to be a good match with the research interests and strengths of our facutly, and we look forward to welcoming you as a member of our department community.
Hugs and kisses,
the University of Utah.

So, Utahns love me. Washingtonians, not so much. I read each letter with a mixture of apprehension and relief. It's good to know that I got in somewhere, and it's great to know I don't have to move or pay for babysitting while I try to do this ~wink~.

In the final analysis, though, all that matters is that my approval rating is 50%. That is 13 points better than the President of the United States at last count.

PS - I promised my mom I wouldn't tell her about this while she was in Hawaii. So, shhhhhhhhh. Let's see if she's been checking up on me.

Eris is Torn, Here

Ok, I have a problem with this for a couple of reasons:

1. Is "That's so gay" really the wittiest retort this girl could come up with? She's making the rest of us look bad.
2. Keeping in mind the fact that I love, love, love the gays: you could argue that this dumb girl had no true idea what she was saying. I hear "That's retarded" all the time, and people look shocked when I'm call them on it.
3. How many of the kids who were teasing this girl about being Mormon got a disciplinary note in their file? HMMMMM?!?!?!?
4. Why are her parents asking for "damages?" Just sue for the note to be removed and be done. Don't try to make a dime off this.

Sunday Night

Ok, I hate Sunday night. There's nothing good on t.v. and I have to decide what to wear to work tomorrow. Luckily, I got to watch part of the Oscars.

Is it just me, or shouldn't someone have told Jennifer Hudson that her bra was showing during her musical performance?

I will sell my soul if I can look as good when I'm in my sixties as Helen Mirren does.

I've never seen so many women in tuxedoes. Ellen rules!

I don't care what you say, Ryan Philippe is an idiot and Reese Witherspoon is HOT (yes, I am wearing a tuxedo right now).

I missed out on the Duchess's Oscar Party. Bummer, except that I would have had no shot at winning the pool - I knew nothing about the movies this year. Dang, I miss working at Blockbuster sometimes. But I love my precious celebrities.

Thank you, Betty Friedan

I'm sitting at my house, teaching Little Mr. Eris how to use his new email account and signing him up on Club Penguin (basically, a my space/chatroom for tweens that is heavily moderated). While doing this Little Miss Eris is constantly asking for a chance to type her name... so here you go:
alli

Anyway, while Little Mr. Eris was playing we had the radio on and the Beastie Boys song "Girls" came on. This is Little Miss Eris's favorite song. She twirls around the house singing along, only she changes all the "girls!" to "boys!" which makes me laugh on the outside and fills me with glee on the inside.

Is it possible that Little Miss Eris has learned from the past year that men and women have equal roles? Can I begin to hope that the little girl who once wore so much pink that it looked like a Disney princess actually threw up on her is turning into a little feminist? Has society come along far enough that my daughters will not be looked cross-eyed at when they announce that they are going to work while their husband stays home?

Or am I reading too much into this?

UPDATE: I decided to ask Little Miss Eris why she sings "boys!" during the song and she said the following:

"Because it says 'to do the dishes and laundry' and that's what my daddy does."

Score one for the glassy-eyed Clintonistas!

Random Thoughts

- Meemoo is making a list of songs that should be on the Guitar Hero bonus disc. Please feel free to contribute... Duchess, you are welcome, even though I know you will not join my "Add a Neil song" campaign.
- It never ceases to amaze me the way people can twist a tragedy to make it justify their bonehead ideas. Examples: #1 9-11 led to a war in Iraq? #2 A deranged teen shoots a bunch of people in my favorite SLC mall and now we hate muslims????
- I have turned into Jan Brady at work. "Am I invisible? I had that same idea 2 weeks ago."
- Now that I am home alone on weeknights, I keep the house a lot cleaner and the kids are in bed on time. Seriously? I think Mr. Eris is the biggest troublemaker in the bunch.
- Mr. Eris and I record Monday night t.v. and Thursday night t.v. to watch together on the weekends. This means I can watch Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy (Patrick Dempsey has been a crush of mine since I was 15 and saw him mow the lawn shirtless in Can't Buy Me Love). I would give anything to touch Patrick Dempsey's hair!
- Just a minute. I'm still picturing him on that lawmower.....

Ok, I'm back.
- Scissors should not be left around a 4-year-old. The kid is bald.
- Dear Mitt Romney, SSSSSTTTTTTOOOOOOPPPPPPP!!!!
- Only 6 weeks till baseball starts. YAY!
- This is the new soundtrack in my house. If only it mentioned the DS.

I Have Better Hair than All Three of Those People!

Your Aura is Green

You're very driven, competitive, and even a bit jealous. However, you seek out balance in your life - and you usually achieve it! The purpose of your life: inspiring others to be better Famous greens include: Tony Robbins, Donald Trump, Martha Stewart Careers for you to try: Guru, CEO, Talk Show Host

What Color Is Your Aura?

Justified

The best research I've read about in a while.

Status:

Got this today... Stomach is no longer in my throat and has now returned to its rightful place.

Dear Debra Jenson:

The University of Washington Department of Communication has received your complete application for Autumn 2007 graduate admissions. Our Admissions Committee will review your application and notify you of its decision by the middle of March.

Please keep me apprised of any changes in your address, phone, or e-mail in the meantime. If you have any questions about your application, please feel free to contact me at cominfo@u.washington.edu. We appreciate your interest in the Department of Communication.

Sounds like I have a month to go. Hurray!

Eris Rediscovers Freddie

I had a ton of store credit to burn at the FYE - still do, even after a $100 shopping spree over the weekend. Jealous? Well, you should be. This store credit allowed me to browse, free from worry, and actually discover some CDs I didn't have, and one I wasn't even aware of.

I must take a moment to explain to you that I am, in fact, an official member of the Freddie Mercury fan club in Hungary. I don't speak Hungarian, and I have no plans for learning it - but Freddie was from Budapest and I like to worship right at the source, so I joined when I was 17.

Anyway, at the FYE I found this new volume III of Queen: Greatest Hits. It has "Barcelona" and "Princes of the Universe" and "The Great Pretender." Not to mention some songs I had never heard of, including the only studio recording from Brian, Roger and John since Freddie died.

I love Queen!

Whoa. That was a rush.

Eris Defeats the Cyberbugs

Ok, it's only taken me 6 months, but I figured it out. I now have links! Feel free to roam about, meet my friends - say, "Hello!" I'll be adding more as I find them.

I am considering adding my cyberstalking victim, as well - but is it too soon? And will it just seem creepy?

Oh, well. Chaos awaits, so I must adieu!

A Snag

ARGH! I just called the University of Washington to double check that my application packet had arrived (Which was a load of crap. Of course I knew it had arrived: I paid the post office extra money so I could track the damn thing on-line and knew exactly when it was signed for!). Anyway. The department admissions secretary was gone forever. She came back on the line and said, “It took me a while because yours was in all those other envelopes. Really difficult to sort through.”

Excuse me for a moment. DAAAAAMMMMMNNNNNIIIIIIITTTTT!

I put the information in well-labeled envelopes: 1. Letters of Recommendation; 2. Official Transcripts; 3. Curriculum Vitae; 4. Scholarly Writing Sample. The envelopes were placed in the larger envelope in the order they were listed on the instructions on the website, with my cover letter and completed application form (signed in blue ink, of course) placed in front.

Does that not sound like a beautifully organized application packet?!?! My obsessive nature would not allow me to just throw the stuff in the one envelope without organizing it in some way – which, coincidentally, is exactly what the secretary said she wished everyone would do!

Hang on. I just have to do something. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok, so the good news is: they have my packet and it’s complete. I’m in the running.

The bad news is either:
A. I have pissed off the secretary by organizing my packet the way I did and she has blackballed me (I don’t think this is the case, as we actually had a pretty good 5 minute conversation about UW and why I want to go there and I was very apologetic for being a pain in the ass);
or
2. I am applying to go to school in a department that does not appreciate organization, or filing folders, or properly enclosed materials, or – heaven forbid – using post-its that are with color coordinated highlighters.

BTW: I can expect an email or phone call between February 2 and March 30. So I should sleep like a kitten for the next 3-8 weeks.

A Funny Thing at Work

The following is a word-for-word transcription from a conversation between my officemate and me:

Roommate: "Hey, look at this. Isn't it cool?"
Eris: "Yeah, that is cool. Who drew it?"
Roommate: "Joe drew it. Don't touch it, it might have poop on it."

So there, all you people who work in a normal office with boring, old, everyday people!

Eris's List of Things that are Awesome

1. I now go to 11 o’clock church. Admittedly, this sucks for Little Eris #2, as 11 o'clock church lands us at church right in the middle of nap-time. But seriously, who are the people who show up on time for 9 o’clock church?

2. Shoes. I worked my last shift at the shoe store last night. Sad. BUT, I did get to do all
the clearance re-pricing for the season before I left, which means I created a small nation of shoes to purchase as my farewell gift to myself. Boots for $3.50!! It would have been a crime against nature to not purchase them.

3. Little Mr. Eris telling me that he doesn’t want me to quit my job at the shoe store. Why, you might ask? Because he wants me to “have 3 jobs so we can have more money.” I haven’t decided if it’s cute or offensive – either way it’s funny.

4. Mr. Eris is employed: Awesome! He’s working nights, which means we won’t be seeing each other much (not awesome), but it does free me up to actually get back to kick-boxing class.

5. Nancy Pelosi. Just cuz.

6. Hugh, Justin and Jake on SNL. I have been an SNL fan for decades now, and the last 2 seasons have been painfully bad, with the exception of 3 hosts: Hugh Laurie (“This is a protest song.”), Justin Timberlake (“Bring it on down to Homeless-ville.”), and Jake Gyllenhal (“Lazer Cats 2”).

7. Monty Python’s Flying Circus. When SNL does blow – which is most of the time, now, I can now flip to KUER and watch John, Terry and the boys. Never fails to make me laugh out loud.

8. When Far Away Grandma and Grandpa just randomly call for no reason. It makes me feel loved, and gives me comfort that they like me, too.

9. My nephew, the Newbie. Man I love that kid.

10. Ok, Meemoo, you were right: Guitar Hero is awesome. Newbie introduced me to this game on Friday night and it took all my grown up will power to say it was time to quit playing and go home. In case you were wondering: I am totally starting a Rage Against the Machine cover band.

So, those things are awesome. That should just about cover it.

I Know What I'll be Working on this Weekend!

Watch this.

Here's the game: can you name every movie, in order of appearance?

Cross 'em if You've Got 'em

Ok, the applications are sent in. Deadlines are: Utah, January 15th. University of Washington, February 1st. Who knows when I'll hear back, but in the meantime... Everyone!!

Start praying.

Worship your idols.

Fast.

Burn things in sacrifice.

Dance naked (this can be fun, as well as helpful!).

Prepare and offer up your pagan rituals.

Gather your loose change for use in bribes (or tuition, if
we're lucky!).

So, I know there are those of you (MOM!) who are struggling with which of these schools to pray for - but I'm just praying to get in. Period.

I'll keep you updated. If you're interested, I've placed the link to the program I'm hoping for above. You can take a peek at what I'm trying to get myself into.

Double 0 Seven

I have never really believed in New Year’s resolutions. I didn’t ever know what to declare as my largest shortcoming – the list was so long! So I could never decide what needed to be worked on. That is until last year.

In December 2005 Mr. Eris and I took a weekend trip to California to spend my bday in Disneyland and Vegas. It had been a harrowing year, and I needed a break. It was nice. We had a chance to remember that we actually enjoy each other’s company – very useful as we are in this marriage for the long haul. But we also spent the drive discussing a few big issues. This discussion morphed into us declaring 3 goals for 2006, informal resolutions, if you will. We had some reasonable success with this, so I have decided to try again this year – only on my own.

So, my cyber-buddies, you are my witnesses. I will now list my resolutions, by life category. If you can think of any tips for keeping them, please let me know.

Personal:
1. Establish a better sleep routine. I will work on a set bedtime and wake time, even on weekends. I don’t get enough sleep, and I never get good sleep. I hope this will help.
2. I will work on my humility and being a better listener. My dad is a very smart guy, and he pointed out to me that I struggle with feedback sometimes – what does he know?!?

Professional:
3. Gain acceptance into a PhD program.
4. Leave my current position with my 3 goals achieved: stability, consistency and organization!!

Family:
5. Hold weekly family home evening with Mr. Eris and the juniors. I need to do a better job of just sitting home and spending time with my family.

Spiritual:
6. Set aside 30 minutes a day for scripture study and prayer. I try to read every night, but cannot honestly call it study. And I’m pretty sure it doesn’t count if you fall asleep during your prayer.
7. Attend the temple monthly with Mr. Eris. Hey, it’s a cheap date – plus every little bit helps.

Financial:
8. Continue my newfound discipline of saving a set amount of money from each paycheck. I have found that if it’s the 2nd thing I do with my paycheck, I actually do it!

So there you have it. I don’t think I’m trying to change the world, just make mine a little better. I’ll keep you posted on my progress – or maybe you’ll see it in my newfound zen-like peaceful countenance.

The King of Pop

On Monday I was in charge of the Christmas party we held for the clients at my work. If you remember, they are adults with developmental disabilities, so Santa plays a LARGE role in the festivities. Santa came to the party and each client got a chance to visit with him and they all took home some gifts.

One client, Jane, took a moment to talk to Santa and she seemed genuinely excited to see him. As she walked away from Santa, with a grin on her face, she muttered to nobody in particular:

"Now do I get to meet Michael Jackson?"

Can't You Hear the Alphaville Playing

Just for fun, I answered these questions. Feel free to answer them yourself, but you really should share with the group!

PS - See Duchess, I am a cyber-stalker!

1. Who was your first prom date?
Chris – ask my mom about the dress. Her only disaster.

2. Who was your first room mate?
Other than my sister, you move on to my husband. Unless you count the week at cheerleading camp: Faith.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you first drink?
Wine, sneaked from the fridge when I was 14.

4. What was your first job?
Cleaning a doctor’s office, $20 a pop.

5. What was your first car?
1989 Geo Metro. It cost $9.00 to fill up and I could drive on that for over a week. It was gray, had a kick-ass stereo, and my mom once found my boyfriend’s (see #18) underwear under the front seat. Man, I miss that car.

6. When did you go to your first funeral?
1984 – Great-grandma Hipwell.

7. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Bromley – coincidently, also my 5th grade teacher. Creepily, I dated her son in high school (I’m grimacing as I type).

8. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
California – Disneyland to support the Americanization and corporatization of the world.

9. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
Do you mean “sneaked?” I am sad to report I have led a very obedient life, and I cannot recall ever sneaking out of the house. But my sister did… now that’s a story. Damn dogs.

10. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends?
Stephanie and No. But my next best friend was Faith, and yes.

11. Where was your first sleepover?
I’m going to guess my paternal grandparents. Friend-sleepover was Stephanie, mentioned in #10.

12. Who is the first person you talk to in the morning?
Mr. Eris, when I growl at him to quit waking me up even though, the night before, I specifically asked him to wake me up in the morning.

13. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
Being a niece to several aunts, I have spent many a wedding in a flower girl or honorary flower girl dress. The first time I was ever truly in a wedding it was my sister’s – man did she hate me back then. She spent a lot of time muttering for me to get away from her. I’m pretty sure I was asked to be in the wedding per my mother’s instructions.

14. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Hit the snooze button. 6 times. Then I get up and curse myself for sleeping in.

15. What was the first concert you ever went to?
The Monkees and Weird Al Yankovic. Woo-hoo!!!

16. First celebrity crush?
I was going to be Mrs. Larry Gatlin. Now he’s a Bushie, so that’s definitely off.

17. First crush?
Jesse H. So cute, but very short. Broke my heart – lesson learned.

18. First TRUE love?
I’ll be skewered for this: Chad H. High school sweetheart, would have married him in a heartbeat – but he dumped me because he was convinced I was in love with Mr. Eris (my ETERNAL LOVE).

19. When was your first detention?
Nada.

I have added:
20. When was your first kiss?
Age 13, at Barbara P.’s birthday party at Golden Spike Ice Skating Arena. It was Monte S. and the kiss was a quick peck. But, my first real kiss, with all the trimmings: Age 14, with a guy I met at Lagoon. So very Utah.

UPDATE

Mr. Eris is now sans-bone tumor and the happy host of a 7" rod in the femur, a 3" screw into the hip, and a partial bone graft.

He's doing well - thanks for your well-wishes and prayers!

Twenty-10

On December 6th, I turned 30. Thirty is awesome. Most people dread this birthday, but I have been looking forward to it. I made a lot of progress in my twenties: graduated from college - twice, had 3 kids, built a successful marriage, bought a house, started a career, etc.

But I also made a lot of bonehead mistakes. In honor of waving goodbye to my twenties, I have composed a list of things I will not miss about the years 1996 - 2006:

1. Working at Blockbuster. Sure, I met my husband and several of my best friends there, but that company sucked. They laid me off and then screwed me over - multiple times. Besides retail sucks.
2. Being overly concerned with how others see me. In my twenties I
spent a lot of time worrying about whether or not I looked stupid - I'm hoping to avoid this in the next decade.
3. Stupid choices in friends. For some reason I wasted a ridiculous amount of time with a person who: a. picked fights with me for no reason and then made me apologize for doing nothing wrong; b. was disliked by my family and other friends; c. spoke ill of my children; and d. was just an all-around-bitch. That better not happen in my thirties.
4. Uncomfortableness with my in-laws. My first few years of marriage were riddled with awkwardness and sublte-hostility between my husband's mother and me. These challenges have morphed into an understanding that we both love my husband a whole lot and can stand on that common ground, avoiding the rocky stuff.
5. The Nincompoop.

Ok, so that's my list of reasons why 30 is to be embraced. Besides, I'll always be the youngest sibling in my family, and Brent, Wendy, Nancy, and Jennifer: that's what really matters.

Can't Sleep

I have a defect. Perfectionism. I am not perfect: that is the problem. Tonight while trying to fall asleep, I realized I had made a small mistake at work today. Nothing catastrophic. It could make me look like a doofus if my boss has to find out, but I don't think that will happen.

Anyway, I am now unable to sleep.

I do this all the time. I make a mistake and I act like it's the end of the world. "Oh no! People will actually realize that I am prone to error." Let the overreacting and irritable bowel begin. Could someone please help me gain some perspective, here?

PS - To Mom again, you'll notice the rant has changed slightly just to be safe. :)

Beware: A Rant

I have been absent recently, due, in part, to some emergency family situations, but mostly because our laptop just up and quit on us. UGH! So in honor of our crappy computer and the fact that I am an inch away from strangling the next a**hole who bugs me at work – here’s another list of things that are pissing me off.

1. Second-hand laptops that work perfectly for 3 months and then die - repeatedly.

2. People telling me to eat something. Or even better: People asking my husband if I'm ok because I've lost weight and, apparently, have bags under my eyes?!?! Thanks, that feels good.

3. The fact that I am in the mood to crank some System of a Down, but am at work and must, therefore, settle for something that doesn’t have a parental warning sticker.

4. Blah, blah, blah. Things about work.

5. Tumors in the bone. FU** YOU!

6. People who claim poverty to me. I work for a non-profit, am the sole bread-winner in the family, and in two weeks will be faced with a literal SH**-load of medical bills (see #5). Don’t tell me how poor you are, I really don’t want to hear about it.

7. The liberal media myth. This one’s just under my skin right now because I’m watching the post-election coverage and it’s so blatantly pro-conservative/Republican that I could vomit.

8. Criminals as church leaders. If you have, oh I don’t know, embezzled thousands of dollars from a previous employer YOU ARE A THIEF, not a spiritual advisor.

9. Cramps and anything involving my nether regions. I’d like to saw myself in half.

10. The fact that I have to wait until March or April to find out about school. I miss being in school so badly right now, and I just want to know if I’m going or if I’m trapped here for another hellishly boring year. Dear UW, Please let me be a Husky. Love always, Eris.

Wow, I really do feel better now.

PS - Mom, I'm really ok.

YAHOOOOOOOO!

I cannot contain my glee today. Overwhelming happiness for the following:

- San Francisco's Nancy Pelosi (BTW, she spent 50 years as a June freaking Cleaver, stay-at-home mom) is the likely Speaker of the House. A woman will be 3rd in line for the presidency. Don't get me wrong, I dislike President Bush and all he and his crazy-ass conservative buddies stand for, but I don't wish him ill. My glee over Nancy Pelosi is that it just brings us one step closer.
Ovaries in the Oval Office!

- Missouri and stem cell research. Claire McCaskill is a pro-choice, pro-family liberall who strongly supports stem cell research. And as Ms. McCaskill went, so went the approval of stem cell research on the ballot.

- South Dakota and my uterus can now be friends. Thanks to all South Dakotans who voted down the abortion ban. Thanks for definitively stating that I, as a grown woman who can be trusted as an employee, as a mother, and as a citizen, can actually be trusted to make a wise and informed decision on what to do with my body.

There's much more, but considering that I was up until 12:30 watching returns and I am not being the most productive at work... I should really get back to work.

UPDATE: Seriously, Donald Rumsfeld resigns? I am giddy. Dance naked in the streets giddy.

Lefty, pinko, tree-hugging, tax-hiking, French-speaking, pro-choice, feminazi... and Damn Proud of It!

Your 'Do You Want the Terrorists to Win' Score: 100%

You are a terrorist-loving, Bush-bashing, "blame America first"-crowd traitor. You are in league with evil-doers who hate our freedoms. By all counts you are a liberal, and as such cleary desire the terrorists to succeed and impose their harsh theocratic restrictions on us all. You are fit to be hung for treason! Luckily George Bush is tapping your internet connection and is now aware of your thought-crime. Have a nice day.... in Guantanamo!

Do You Want the Terrorists to Win?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

November 3, 4, 6

I’m not entirely sure how to write this, and it will undoubtedly sound self-absorbed, so maybe I shouldn’t. But I have to let something out and this is the place to do it.

Tomorrow is November 4, which makes Sunday November 5. A date which likely means nothing to most of the world. But I meet November 5 with mixed emotions. It was one year ago that I watched helplessly from the sidelines as two of the best friends I have in my life went through unspeakable events. The details aren’t important, let’s just say they were in pain and I could do nothing to make it better.

The past year has brought more tears than I thought I could cry and such a feeling of uselessness. I am a “fixer.” I want things to be perfect for everyone and I will do all I can to make it so. But this… this I couldn’t fix. I watched these women and all I could do was listen to them, hope to find the right words to help and pray. A LOT.

I am praying. I went to the temple for them (even the Catholic one, because I know she would appreciate any gesture of faith). They seem to be doing well – a testament to their strength. Still, I sit by the phone, ready to talk to them if they need it, but afraid to call them for fear of dragging them down when they may have just gotten back up.

So I meet November 5, not knowing what to do. I feel the urge to tell it to fu** off. It’s a horrible day that I don’t want my friends to ever think of again.

I feel the urge to weep uncontrollably, for the pain they went through and the loss they suffered.

I want to scream at the world, “Stop moving! These women need a damn ticker tape parade!” Then I will line everyone up and make them cheer and throw roses.

But strangely enough, I feel the urge to celebrate on this day – getting one of them drunk and singing karaoke with the other – because they have made it through. This to me is bigger than the sadness. They are brilliant and beautiful and amazing. They are more than I ever could be. They will make it to November 6, 2006.

Give That Woman a Freaking Medal!

Oh man, I'd like to shake this woman's hand.

Things That Probably Never Happen Where You Work

I keep a mental list of things that happen at my job that would never happen at your job. Sometimes I include items from that list here for your enjoyment. Well, one of those things is happening right now.

I share an office with someone. He came into our office after I sat in here with the door closed for an hour and all he said was, "It stinks in here. (Pause) It smells like piss in here."

At your job you'd be offended right? Well not here. First, we check the chairs to make sure none of our clients sneaked in and left a present (this happens). Second, we check all the walls. Third, we ask everyone in the front office to remember if they saw anyone fishy doing anything fishy.

All these things are done because you never know where urine, and any other bodily fluids, will end up around here. I love it here.

Must Read

On this election day I will vote with this burned on my brain. And it will stay there, I hope forever.

Out and Proud

I just love anything gay, so this makes me very proud.
Lesbian dreams: The best kind!
Gay cowboy movie: A chocolate bar melted on my lap in the theater. True story.

While I disagree with the basic premise that Bert and Ernie are gay, I must say that I am awfully good at Doing the Pigeon. Yes, that's an actual thing.

You Are the Very Gay Bert and Ernie!

Two grown puppets living together, sleeping in the same room?They've even got coordinating striped shirts!

What Gay Childhood Icon Are You?

Help Me! I'm One of Them

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I married a geek. Cute, but a geek. Seriously, our office is decorated with unopened X-Men action figures. (Not dolls - ACTION FIGURES.) We have a life-size Spiderman standee, several Marvel-themed games and a stack of boxes filled with comic books, some in different languages. I find this quirky and adorable.

Anyway... My geek and I have spent the last couple of years rolling our eyes at the nerds who are obsessed with Lost. We didn't watch it from the beginning - I can honestly say I have never seen an episode of Lost or Survivor - so we don't understand the references and honestly couldn't care less.

It's important to understand that I am much more judgemental than my geek. I have looked at the Lost-ites with sadness. What is wrong with their lives that they feel the need to latch onto this show? Can they not use some of this energy to read a book? take up a hobby? learn some trade? Then I find out I have Lost-ites in the family. Even the Duchess, someone whose intelligence and sociability I greatly admire, is a Lost-ite.

So, I have been judging you all. How pathetic you are to be so obsessed with a tv show.

Then came Monday night and Heroes. I started with this show for 2 reasons: first, my geek has gotten me marginally interested in comic books (all right, it's more the off-chance that someone as hot as Hugh Jackman will appear in any super-hero representation); and second, it leads into my Sorkin-fix, Studio 60. But then it happened. I got hooked.

I have become one of them. I have been 3 days without any new information on the Heroes front and I actually miss it. I met a local celebrity yesterday and engaged him in conversation about Heroes. I am boring my co-workers with laborious expalanations and theories about the show. I am actually praying for the weekend to be over so I can see what will happen next.

How did this happen?! I used to read. I used to watch Monday Night Football. I was cool in high school - this is not me!

I have decided to embrace the geek in me. I will now fully immerse myself in the Heroes world. I'm thinking about ordering the graphic novel. Maybe I'll join a chat room. Wait, that may be going a bit too far. But I can tell you this: if you call my home between the hours of 8 and 10 on a Monday night, no one will answer. And when I call you back, you will be forced to listen to a scene-by-scene replay of what happened. Which you won't enjoy because as the local celebrity and I painstakingly discussed: we're in the character-building process, which is the biggest, longest and most important part of the story arc.

Bastards

Eris is emotional right now.

Click on the title.

Watch the video.

These guys are all a bunch of bastards, Bush is their ass-hat king and Rush Limbaugh is their jester.

I miss my Grandpa.

Drum Roll, Please

The GRE is done.

600 Verbal
600 Quanititative

Look for a post in 2 weeks with the written score.

Note: I am pretty sure I spelled "inuit" wrong in my essay. Damnit! I thought it was "enuit." So much for being politically correct - I know how to spell Eskimo!

Barak Saves Eris

Sometime in the year 2004 I made a bet. Now, those of you who know me well know that this is highly uncharacteristic. I once spent all my "gambling" money on a pair of shoes at the Neiman Marcus mall in Vegas. So, you must know how passionate I feel about the following story.

My brother and I have a special bond. While sharing very liberal opinions, we like to argue about the minor details on which we disagree. Once at a family dinner we got into a yelling fight over the Legacy Highway. He called me a "tree-hugging, tse-tse fly loving environmentalist" so I called him a Republican. My dad stopped us immediately and said, "We don't call each other names like that at the dinner table."

Anyway, sometime in the year 2004 we were discussing politics and how the Democrats could screw up any election. Both us were arguing the same point: Democrats are right, but dumb. He predicted that Hilary Rodham Clinton would be the Democratic nominee for President in 2008. I said, "We're not that dumb." We argued for a moment and then shook hands on a $100 bet: I say Hilary is not the nominee in 2008. He says she is.

- I am a HUGE Hilary fan. Oh, that I were to live in an alternate universe where she were recognized as a brilliant woman who worked to save her marriage... But no, I live in the universe where she is seen as an intrusive, over-bearing bitch who only stayed married because it was good political strategy. -

It pains me to say this, but I believe nominating Hilary would be a mistake of astronomical proportion. People just don't like her, and she cannot win. Not even the Democrats are this dumb.

My brother reminds me of this bet constantly - anytime some BS poll comes out or TIME or Newsweek does a cover story on her likely bid he calls me. I was pretty sure Warner of Virginia was going to run and save me - but then the chicken backs out. Now though, it looks like my favorite skinny nerd is going to be my knight in shining armor. Barak, you have my support. I like the idea of an Obama/Clinton ticket - the bet says nothing about a VP run.

Part IV

Ok, so I am making time this week to post this. It's just tooooo good to pass up. Two words at a time. Ready:

Word #4
magnanimity a quality of nobleness of mind, disdaining meanness or revenge.

Word #5
churlishness crude or surly behavior; behavior of a peasant.

Used in a sentence:
Having lived a life of magnanimity, my father was not familiar with the term "hock a lugey." Once explained, he was even more surprised to find that his charming wife had engaged in such an act of churlishness.

NOTE: Love you, Mom!

See you next week...

This week's schedule
Monday:
1. Work at real job
2. Drive from real job to shoe store
3. Work at shoe store
4. Home to bed

Tuesday:
1. Work at real job
2. Drive from real job to in-law's house
3. Attend temple in bid to win divine intervention in husband's job search and my attempt at the GRE on Saturday

Wednesday:
1. Breakfast with kids to get reacquainted
2. Work at real job
3. Drive from real job to shoe store
4. Work at (this is starting to feel familiar...) shoe store
5. Home to bed

Thursday:
1. Work at real job
2. Parent-Teacher Conference
3. Home to study for my attempt at the GRE on Saturday
- Skip out on meeting at 7:30 -
4. Start fast in bid to win divine intervention in my attempt at the GRE on Saturday
5. Bed

Friday:
1. Work at real job
2. Home to study
3. Bed, which almost assuredly result in NO SLEEP.

Saturday:
1. Attempt the GRE.
2. Receive score.
3. Pass out.

In between:
-Remember to talk to my kids
-Remember to talk to husband. What's his name again?
-Help friend get ready for adoption agency interviews
-Find something to eat - this is a chore because, as the Duchess has pointed out, I have been blessed to live off a no-wheat, no-dairy, no-red meat diet.
-Plan a lesson on chapters 50-53 in the Book of Isaiah. That should be simple.
-Pay bills

To Honor the Newbie

One week ago we celebrated my daughter's first birthday. It was pretty much family-only - pretty small, by comparison to other First Birthday parties I've seen. This post is not about the party, or the baby. It's about a guest.

My nephew (see "Breaking in the Newbie" by clicking on the title) has become interested in politics and we often have fun chats about what party he would join or for whom he would vote. At the birthday party he told me about an online quiz he took to determine his "true" party affiliation. Ready? Constitution

His being a member of the Constitution Party does not bother me too much. After all, he could be a Republican. What bothered me was one of the examples he gave for why that party is right for him. Here's how he put it:

Newbie: "Like, I don't believe that if a lady crosses the border from Mexico and she, like, has a baby that that baby should be a citizen."
Eris: "Why not?"
Newbie: "Because they, like, broke the law and shouldn't be a citizen just cause the girl got here in time."
Eris: "So we should punish a person who had nothing to do with the crime and send them to a country they don't know?"
Newbie: "Well..."
Eris: "And what about kids who have been here their whole lives. They only know America, but because of the decision their mother made how many years ago, they have to leave?"

And that's the way it went. I was pleasantly surprised to find this little quiz to accompany this story. So, take the quiz, and see if you "deserve" to be an American...

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 9 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

It depends on what your definition of "precocious" is

Ok, so I have sat back and watched the moral Republicans tap-dance around the fact that they have been hugging a pedophile and I'll admit it: I'm partisan enough that I have laughed out loud. It feels good to know that this party which has spent the better part of TWO decades calling me and everything I believe in value-less and basically evil can screw up this bad.

So now I sit back and smile as I watch people squirm with every last detail of the Mark Foley scandal. At first I felt some sympathy - having been a Democrat during the Monica Lewinsky thing, I remember what it's like to realize you backed the sleazy horse. But then I realized, "Hey, my guy was not a hypocrite. He was just horny." Think about it: President Clinton messed around with a young girl in the Oval Office - ewww. (For the record, I will never understand this. He's just not attractive.) The important distinctions here are that he was messing around with someone who was a. over 18, and then some; and 2. not a guy! It's also important to note that Foley was the CHAIR of the House Committee on Missing and Exploited Children. It's a Greek Tragedy and I love it!!!

Don't get me wrong, 2 guys is hot. Brokeback Mountain anyone? But for the party who has made gay-bashing an art, this is just too good. And for the people like me who have been staring, mouths agape at the blind faith the public seems to have in the Republicans, it's euphoric.

Here in Utah the GOP is still the end all when it comes to morals and just being good old plain folks. This is the party which holds the moral compass and tells us all where to go. And what to drink. And who to kiss. (But you can do whatever you want with your gun.)

So, I invite each of you to click on the title and take a listen to one of Utah's senior statesmen and how he sees the congressional page scandal.

**Oh, oh! Let's call it Page-Gate! It's about time those sanctimonious blowhards got their own damn Gate, besides, of course, the original one that led to an impeachment. But I digress.**

Listen to Chris Cannon basically blame the "precocious kids" who work their guts out as congressional pages. It's pretty nice footwork, how he defends Hastert in one breath, and blames the kids - also known in legal terms as "the victims" - in the next.

Let's just say if the rest of this mess hasn't left you feeling like you need 2 piping hot showers to get the sleaze off you, well Chris Cannon will.

Part III

Ok, it's time for another word. Now this word I have used in the past, but it was used as an example of a long, smarty-pants word in a conversation with my mother and I finally stumped her - but only for a second. So here you go...

Word #3
protuberance something, such as a bulge, knob, or swelling, that protrudes.

Used in a sentence: Is that protuberance a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

NOTE: Of course, he was just glad to see me - wink.

Now All We Need is a Gondola

While logging on to my interweb today, I found some nice news about my lovely hometown. It seems Ogden Canyon was voted one of the 10 best places to see fall foliage in the country. That's right, the whole country.

For anyone who has ever driven the canyon during the months of September and October, this will come as no surprise. It is breathtaking. But it's nice to be noticed - people are always talking so much about stupid New England in the Fall, that I thought we'd never get our time to shine.

So, come to Ogden and view our lush reds, our vibrant oranges, the inspirational hole where the mall once stood, and the eye-popping yellows. And while you're here, take a tour of the gondola route. You'll be lifting Ogden in no time.

Random Thoughts

It's been crazy around here, so I have been neglecting my numerous readers (honestly, I may be up to 10 people now!). A thousand apologies.

I haven't got the energy to think of anything important enough to write, so I will just give you a list of my various thoughts as of late...

- People cannot be counted on for anything. It's true - people agree to hold positions of responsibility or complete a project and then come up with dozens of reasons to not follow through. I hate people.

- If you are driving on the freeway or highway and it is sunny, you should go the speed limit. Seriously, the cops should pull you over for doing 50 in a 55 on a clear day.

- My kids will never go to sleep on the first try. Why do we even have a bed time??

- I have a weekly meeting at work. This week we spent at least 10 minutes discussing bathroom issues: smears and procedures for clogged toilets. (There is an entire list of things like this that happen at my work.)

- My husband is no more capable of doing my daughters' hair or dressing them in matching clothes than he is of operating a nuclear reactor.

- The Red Sox and the Democrats have been the loves of my life - and yet, they have been the main source of my frustration and heartbreak. Both groups will always find a way to screw up even the biggest of leads.
Note: I am disenfranchised with the Democrats, but I will always believe in the BoSox. They'll be back once they get a bullpen... and an outfield... and a better back up catcher. Only 84 more years.

- There is nothing good to eat that does not contain milk, wheat or red meat. I haven't had a cheeseburger in 6 weeks and I'm ready to kill someone. I miss eating chocolate without a sense of foreboding.

- Finally, my reproductive organs suck. Except for the 3 times they actually succeeded in reproducing, they have done nothing but cause me pain and piss me off. This should explain the tone of this post.

Part II

Ok, it's time for another word. Check the previous post (Part I) for the genesis of this discussion, but long story short: my first word in this series helped my cousin with her crossword puzzle the next day, so I thought I'd better keep it up.

Word #2
ameliorate to improve or make better.
Used in a Sentence: Eris' intelligent use of the word "prevaricate" helped to ameliorate her cousin's progress on the crossword puzzle.

TA-DA!!

Goodbye to a Hero

There's not a whole lot I can say about this, except Governor Ann Richards is my hero. I have loved her since she spoke of Bush 41's "silver foot." This is a loss to every woman who not only believes, but knows, that she can contribute something and change the world for better.

One thing is for sure, wherever she is, the men are being kept in check.

Bye, Ann

I'm So Proud

Apparently, someone likes what I've been doing. Click on the title of this post and see...

Words I Should Have Been Using All Along: Part I

I am going to keep a list of words I am learning in my GRE vocabulary review. Not a general list, but one that contains words I wish I had been using already because they just fit a particular person or thing in my life.

Word #1:
Prevaricate: to speak equivocally or evasively, i.e., to lie.
Fitting sentence: That man is a prevaricating NINCOMPOOP.

Feel free to add your own words. It will help me build my vocabulary.

Pythagoras Should Burn

Eris has been missing. There is a reason: I am preparing to take the GRE in 5 weeks. You may ask, "But Eris, did you not already take an entrance exam for graduate school?" I would answer, "Shut the fu** up and help me with this word problem!" I freaking HATE MATH!

I received my MS from Utah State University (Go Aggies!). A great school, a great program, and a great experience. Even better, USU accepted an entrance exam that is not the GRE. I happily took this exam because it had less math. Yes, I'm just that lazy.

Well now it's come back to bite me in the buttocks - both of 'em. I am applying for doctoral programs at 2 universities, and wouldn't you know it, they require the GRE. So I have purchased a book with practice tests and a CD. I have purchased flash cards with math problems and vocabulary words. I have been buried in the math review sections and I have just about gone bald.

I hate math. I hate everything math stands for. Consequently, I hate astronomy, chemistry, and anything even tangentially related to these topics. I would like to find the SOB who came up with the idea of word problems and shove an abacus up their ...

but I digress. I am preparing to take the GRE.

Pray for Eris.

Quick note:
When I revealed the two schools I am applying for, my mother was non-plussed about the out-of-state option, which is the ideal, perfect, dreamy program for what I want to do. Anyway, I accused her of being less than a feminist for trying to get me to stay in Utah for my kids. She was forced to analyze her objection and happily called me 1 hour later to tell me that she still didn't want me to go, but not because I 'm a girl. It's because she doesn't want me to take the grandkids. Basically, I could jump off a bridge and she'd be fine, as long as she got her A, D, and J time.

Five Years

God Bless the Whole Wide World. Amen

What I've Learned

While I doubt I can offer as much worthwhile items as Homer J. Simpson , I have some things I have learned as well.

- Finishing college is easy, as long as you have a loose timetable.
- I don't have the energy to chase after annoying people.
- As long as you have checks or a credit card, you always have "money."
- Any job in customer service is simple, as long as you don't have to deal with the general public.
- Everyone just needs to give me a second to think.
- Lunch dates are never as great as you planned.
- When someone in a suit looks at you for more than 5 seconds, it is never good.
- Husbands will do almost anything for you in exchange for a look at a boob.
- Children will only get sick on the weekend or on a holiday, but never when the doctor is in and has a moment.
- Dogs can heal anything that hurts, especially your heart.
- Most things that are good for you in the long run, suck in the now (Yes, I am talking to you, exercise.)
- Three letters that are never in a good sentence: STD.
- Dinner with my grandma will always include this sentence: "Oh, you remember insert name here. You knew them when you were 4."
- Time spent with my sister will include three things: laughing at inappropriate stories, at least one bruise, and an occular strain from rolling my eyes at her.
- You will never catch a bouncy ball on the first bounce.
- Being around my mother will ultimately force me to reexamine some decision I have made.
- Children do not know how to whisper.
- Voting for a Texan will lead to ruination - LBJ, George W. Bush, case closed.
- There is no more futile exercise than cleaning my house. 3 kids + 2 dogs = always messy.
- Having really good friends will make life easier.
- Your mom really was right. Damn!
- There is nothing wrong in the world that could not be made right with a new pair of shoes.

Ok, now share what you've learned.

My New Favorite Word

I spent a long weekend away last week. I went to beautiful Santa Maria, CA to see my adorable grandparents. The beauty of the trip was this: I had them all to myself. I spent 4 days looking through old scrapbooks and listening to them tell stories about how they met, his service in the Army Air Corps during WWII and the adventures they had raising 6 kids. Also, I was introducing baby Dorothy to Grandma Dorothy (after whom she is named).

Basically this post will be dedicated to miscellaneous items of interest from my trip. Note: the items are of interest to me, not necessarily to you, the reader.


* My grandparents met on a blind date. They fell in love and corresponded while he served in the Pacific during WWII. I got to see the telegram he sent her when he was discharged.



* My grandmother’s wedding dress was made from a silk Japanese parachute my grandpa brought back from the war. Can you say, "One-of-a-kind?"


* Apparently, my birthplace is such a hole it isn’t even fit for reference on a t-shirt. Thanks.


* Contrary to my mother’s insistence, I was a FAT little girl. I have viewed ample photos to back this up. Note to Mom: I grew out of the fat when I was 7, so you can accept it and move on.


* Birds eat out of my grandfather’s hand – literally.


* Babies will cry at church, regardless of the denomination.


* The home my grandparents live in is pretty much a live version of the Antiques Road Show. My grandma has lived in that house since she was 6 years old. You wouldn’t believe the stuff in there!


* Naming a child after someone is a virtual guarantee that said child will mimic that person in many ways. Case in point – my great-grandmother wrote in my grandmother’s baby book that she was a colicky, difficult child. Baby Dorothy is a notoriously difficult child. Reference the photo of her above.


* My grandfather and I have the ability to watch baseball in any form. We spent a good amount of time enjoying several games on t.v.



And finally: I have a new favorite word. This word will be used to refer to individuals whose behavior is completely beyond reason; a person who cannot be trusted and is to be approached with only the greatest of caution. The new code word for someone we don’t like, my new favorite word: NINCOMPOOP.

If Only I were Catholic...

At least he's a Democrat. I was sweating bullets that I'd be Reagan!

You Are Most Like John F. Kennedy

You live a fairy tale life that most people envy. And while you may have a few dark secrets, few people know them.

What Modern US President Are You Most Like?

Breaking in the Newbie

I had the best night this week. I took my sweet little nephew (age 13) to his first indoor concert.

First, the back-story:
2 months ago my nephew asked me if I had ever heard of this new group called the Red Hot Chili Peppers. New? Um, I have only been rocking to RHCP since 1988! (Hello, Anthony? Yeah, I want you!)

So I find out RHCP is making a visit to Salt Lake and I work my toosh off for tickets. Long story short - after bidding for 5 days on tickets in Section 19, I lose them!! But I fortuitously find tix in Section 2... lucky!

OK. So we get to the concert. Some of my favorite quotes: "How did you get these seats?!" "Will they play only new stuff?" "Can I get a shirt?" and my favorite, "Are those all speakers?!?!"

So my nephew met Concert Eris. Concert Eris wears makeup and talks to strangers in an effort to get back stage. Concert Eris wears tight shirts (note to RHCP: your original fans are in their 30s and 40s. It's time to get more than freaking baby-T's for the ladies!). And Concert Eris jumps up and down, screams wildly and acts out generally.

There really is no point to this post, except to say this: It was so much fun to see the look in his eye, his gaping jaw, and his utter enjoyment of the moment. He stood perfectly still, mouth open for most of the night (see example in photo to the left).

But he wants to go to more concerts with me, which is awesome cuz he's my favorite pal and I want him to feel like he can hang with me, and talk to me if he needs someone to talk to. And let's face it, with me to play with, the kid's destined for greatness.

shock-ing

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny.Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it.And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How'>http://blogthings.com/howsarcasticareyouquiz/">How Sarcastic Are You?

The Universal Language

I have a great job. I do fundraising and public relations for a non-profit group that serves adults with developmental disabilities. The great thing is that my office is in one of our centers, so I get to interact with our clients all the time – and they are awesome!

Something happened at work today:

I was walking down the hall. A door flew open and out walked “Sue,” one of our clients. I smiled and said, “Whoa! Hi, Sue.” She just kept walking...

then she flipped me off.

Join Eris, Won't You?

My friends:

While abusing my high-speed wi-fi connection, I stumbled across this very interesting blog. It's the unofficial blog of the Utah State Senate majority and as you can imagine it is overwhelmingly populated with ultra-conservatives.

Before I knew it, I was commenting back, and now I am a lone debater with a State Representative. Oh, and some people I am fairly certain go to my church.

It's been an eye-opener to see how easily this man has selectively chosen which of my points to flacidly argue against and how quickly he truncates or misrepresents my statements. I'm having a blast!

So I am issuing this invitation. Click on the title of this post and take a gander at what our representatives are trying to do. If you agree with Eris and think they ought to mind their own male business, consider leaving a thoughtful comment. If you agree with Representative Ray ... well, ok.

New Shoes for You, Mr. President

I spent the 2004 election with a 4’ x 3’ John Kerry sign in my window. I admit it, I’m a partisan. But regardless of his party, I just felt that John Kerry was the best man for the job. He had prepared for the presidency his whole life: military service, foreign policy and legislative oversight in the Senate. What a political dreamboat.

He was brilliantly labeled a “flip-flopper” by the Bushies. Combine that with the fact that Democrats could steer just about any campaign straight down the crapper, and you get 4 more years.

And look at us now, stuck in the middle of about 73 foreign policy disasters – how embarrassing to have the Bushies in charge. It’s tragic to think the rest of the world believes that these blindly optimistic, unilateral action loving cowboys (and girl, Secretary Rice) actually represent American values.

In honor of foreign policy disaster #2. Lebanon, first runner-up to #1. Iraq, I proudly present the president with these flip-flops. Not one week ago the Bush line was “No cease fire. It would be unwise to declare a hasty peace.” What’s that? People dying… Well, that’s sad, but BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!! Now, with no explanation and maintaining that this is not a change in course, the White House and the State Department are supporting a cease fire.

What bothers me is not the blind support of 3 weeks of death and destruction in the world’s most fragile region. It’s the arrogance. The refusal to admit a mistake. The United State’s position in the world is precarious, to say the least, but American pressure in the UN may have helped speed this process along. We just wasted time and lives. Good luck getting Lebanon back into shape.

Of all the things that make me want to scream and pull out all my hair, this kind of arrogance is right up there. It runs just ahead of mispronouncing words you base a war on and filling a cabinet with nincompoops and nitwits. All I can say is, “Save me Jeebus, from the next 2 years!”

Quit Touching My Stuff

August 5 is Sisters Day. I am lucky enough to have 4 sisters of many varieties, shapes and sizes.

I have 2 step-sisters who live far, far away: Michigan and Texas. We don't get to see each other much, but they are wonderful women whom I very much look up to.

I have a younger sister, Courtney. She is 17 and quite the spitfire. As you know, when you are 17 your life is busy and full of friends, work and lots of other stuff. When faced with the choice between friends and your 30-year-old sister, friends almost always win. So I don't get to see her as much as I'd like.

Finally, I have an older sister. Only 3 years apart, we grew up together. Jennifer and I are complete opposites. One tall and blonde; the other not tall and not blonde. One looks just like the mother; the other just like the biological father. Personalities? Well, let's just say that we are more different in this respect than we are in appearance.

The important thing is that Jennifer and I have grown close. Yes, we beat each other up for about 18 years. We are polar in every sense of the word. But we are sisters and that is something.

So today, in honor of the women I am proud to call "Sister" I leave this message:
Thanks for keeping me honest, and for keeping me laughing. And quit touching me!

The Problem with the American Dream

Hooray!! Recently the House of Representatives voted to raise the minimum wage for the first time in 10 years! This is great news for those of us in the real world. Studies have shown that when the minimum wage goes up, other wages go up, as well. So we're looking at a future that holds an extra dime or two.

Hold the confetti.

In a "compromise" our representatives also voted to eliminate the Estate Tax (cleverly dubbed the Death Tax by Republicans), which takes a small chunk out of the bundles millionaires leave their kids. According to the House of Representatives, the needy heirs of our nation's wealthy should be spared the indignity of having to pay taxes on their inheritance.

This is important because, as you are well aware, the American Dream means we will all be millionaires one day. Clearly, the GOP and all of Utah's delegation (including pseudoDemocrat Representative Jim Matheson), are just looking out for all of us future millionaires.

Now I'm not sure what bugs me most about this. So let's review some of the more bothersome aspects:

1. This bill was passed with the House's full knowledge that the Senate wasn't going to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Thanks for working on that boys, instead of spending time on anything with a snowball's chance of actually becoming a law!
2. The Estate Tax is worth about $300 billion to the federal budget - boy wouldn't that be helpful in paying for, oh, I don't know, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, aid to people with disabilities, Community Development, FEMA, Homeland Security, and on and on and on.
3. About 5 in every 1,000 Americans pays this tax. Only 33 of the people who paid the tax in 2004 were black. Think of 1,000 people you know: 5 of those poor folks. Oh, excuse me, rich folks will have to actually PAY A TAX. Save us all!

Boy, am I glad the House of Representatives is there to help me out. No more will I worry about my $2 million inheritance being bit into by those pesky social services and vital government programs. Whew.

Eris Better Get Used to the Heat

Ok, so I like to think of myself as a nice person. I always say, "Thank you." I enjoy sending little notes of appreciation or cards just for fun. You know: generally, a thoughtful person. But this... this is my weakness: I sometimes think mean, superficial thoughts about people. If you have the same problem, please join me in enjoying this article:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51148. Seriously, it's like they had a microphone in my head, recording my inner monologue.

Quick Thought: I am reading the New Testament and based on the whole love-your-neighbor/beware-the-beam-in-your-eye thing I am fairly sure I am going to Hell. But at least I'll have cute shoes and I won't be wearing anything with a large floral print.